Toilet Horrors

After giving myself a bout of sunstroke I’d given up early and found myself back at the tent by 1am, feeling like I’d gone 10 rounds with Tyson.  After laying awake all night wondering when I was going to vomit, my phone told me it was 6am and my body told me I had to go the toilet…now.

Finding my way through the maze of tents, to the metal track-way, was the easy bit. The hard bit was finding a toilet…a clean one.  It was here that I had to break my rule of never using the portaloos.  They were closest and it was quite literally shit or bust.

To add to the equation: the shit sucking tractor was there, unfortunately the toilet cleaners had only just started and hadn’t made it to the portaloos I tried, but I couldn’t wait.  In what can only be described as the toilet from Trainspotting, I managed to hover precariously a couple of centimetres from bad AIDS and was literally shaking like a shitting dog.  Hearing the shit sucker on my row of toilets I had to cut things short (in proper fear of some kind shit sucker exhaling disaster), but the worst of it was over.  I emerged, triumphantly, covered in sweat.

The toilet cleaner guy opened the door after I let it swing closed.  For a moment I thought about doing one of the half run/half jog things you do when you stop running for a bus your never going to catch…

"Arrrggghhh! No way have you just gone in there. Haha…!” 

I turned around to see the toilet cleaner looking at me and then his mate poked his head in to look. 

I shrugged my shoulders “I had to!”

Given the atrocities they must see, I like to think the incredulous look I got from them was one of: ‘well done’, rather than a look of: ‘oh my god, you filthy beast’.  Or maybe it was both.

Knowing I was now at DEFCON 2 rather than DEFCON 5 I bounded off in search of longdrops, wishing everyone a merrily good morning on my way.  There are a lot of mashed people at 6am at Glastonbury and for once I wasn’t one of them.

I did find the holy grail of toilets about 5 minutes later (for Part 2): they were a lot closer than I originally thought so I could’ve saved myself 5 minutes of torture.  But this one bad portaloo did not put me off, it happened to be the only bad one I entered in 5 days.  The toilets aren’t half as bad as they’re made out to be.  Even so, longdrops are ze best…



10 thoughts on “Toilet Horrors

  1. This is why I can’t get Mrs B to Glastonbury. She refuses to use even the clean ones. She manages to shut down her bodily functions at V (I don’t know how she does it?) – which is just as well that we go home every night – 48 hours with out going to the toilet would not be good…..

  2. BlackLOG
    Seriously, they aren’t bad. The long-drops (as pictured) are good enough, just lay loads of toilet paper down to sit on! Although it’s quite a strange experience if you go into the long-drops with no rain shelter above them and it’s raining. It’s quite liberating!

    You need to go to Glastonbury, tell Mrs B it’s a shit reason not to go (ha, see what I did there). You’re missing out on the late night strangeness/brilliance you don’t get at V ;). Are you going to V again this year? The line-up is quite good.

    PS: going home each night at a festival is cheating. Booooooo!

    S. Le
    The only time I’ll ever use them is at a festival or somewhere like that. Any other time I’ll squeeze my cheeks together and keep it in 😀

  3. Portaloos rank just behind train toilets in many countries.
    I can’t think of anything worse than a train toilet in many countries … maybe if there was a music festival on the train, it might be worse.

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