Toilet Attendants

Not sure if this goes on in other areas of the country now, but there seems to be more and more toilet attendants out in bars and clubs of a weekend nowadays. 

If you haven’t come across them: as if you didn’t feel helpless enough already, boxed into a cramped toilet with drunken knobs – quite literally – all over the place.  Someone has decided we are now incapable of washing our own hands – and there is money to be made from helping people wash their own hands.

Said toilet attendant squirts soap into your hands, turns the tap on for you and then hands you a paper towel – or they press the hand dryer button for you.  There is also, usually, an array of aftershave to use and pieces of chewing gum to take.  The cost of this?  It’s free.  It’s like having your own little butler…who then also expects a tip into his little dish of conveniently placed pound coins and 50p’s.

I’m not sure if its just me, but no matter how many times I walk into the toilet with my brain saying ‘I’m not giving him money, I’m not giving him money, I’m not giving him money” …but after the guy leaps over sinks to squirt some soap into my hands, stops me turning the tap on, turns it off for me, then hands me a paper towel before I’ve even had time to shake the excess away (excess water, from my hands…obviously…) and turn around.  I have a massive guilt trip and dig into my pockets trying to feel for a 10p or 20p…only to find pound coins and have my inner brain scream at me, again. 

It’s a shit job, but they must make a small fortune in busy bars?  Loads of people must get that same guilt trip and give them a pound.  Before you know it you’ve spent a fiver just going for a piss.

Mind you it does come in handy: when you happen to be standing next to someone at a metal urinal trough thing…and the guy next to you pisses like a race horse…them people cause all kinds of splash-back terrors.  I still don’t feel clean…


11 thoughts on “Toilet Attendants

  1. I once managed to shoot off sideways and washed one of the managers’ legs*. The ungrateful Bar-steward didn’t thank me or tip or anything….in fact he did the typical English stiff upper lip thing and acted like nothing had happened, although he visibly shook his freshly washed leg a couple of times as he limped away from the wash room like something was burning him. He shoots he scores – it would have been perfect except I forgot to nominate the pocket……

    * It’s not as bad as it sounds I had already resigned and was leaving at the end of the week**

    ** This is however a good argument to work for a woman….although it could prove a bit unnerving if you find out that she pee’s standing up***

    *** Don’t tell me he doesn’t happen, I’ve seen the Full Monty…..

    On a slightly related matter, Mrs B once watched a Deli girl from Sainsbury’s go to the toilet, not wash her hands and go straight back to the counter****…..have not used that Deli since…..

    **** Yes she did report it but she just received a look like she was a stalker….

  2. I thought the same thing about the line, “It’s a shit job.” lol

    Are you sure they don’t have attendants there to make sure nobody is either vandalizing the toilets or shagging in there?

  3. Brennig
    I’m 9 too. I’m just disappointed that I, yet again, failed to spot the obvious pun I’d entered myself. This stuff writes itself!

    Your old manager probably deserved it though?!

    With regards to woman standing up to pee…it happens..they have ‘She Pee’s’ at Glastonbury:

    You should congratulate Mrs B her on her observational skills. Just imagine, if she knows that about a girl from a deli counter, the stuff she has stored up about you? Be afraid, be very afraid!

    Stephanie of Stopbouncing
    That’s true. At least they kind of force people to wash their hands. The amount of dirty bastards who don’t clean their hands after a piss… *shudders*

    S. Le
    I missed my own pun. Sigh.

    They probably serve two purposes with the vandalising stuff and generally keep toilets clean. But they are literally there mainly to squirt soap and get tips.

  4. They have attendants in some female toilets, but they just hand out toilet roll(!!!!) and sell perfume and stuff. And, bizarrely, in one bar in Nottingham lollies?! Nobody’s ever tried to squirt my soap for me.

  5. I travelled with a guy in Turkey who gave the toilet attendant one of his cookies because he didn’t know what the hell was going on. … they were pretty good cookies to be fair.

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