Unwanted Visitor

I woke up about 5.20am after hearing noises, at first I thought it was the sleep paralysis kicking in again, so didn’t think much of it.  That was until I heard my room door open, and someone fumbling about.  I managed to turn around and seen the shadow of someone in my room.  I was still in a sleepy haze and wasn’t certain if it was real or if I was just imagining it, I tried to call out but I couldn’t for some reason.

In the shadows it looked like the sleep walking zombie girl from the film The Ring.  Then they sat down on my bed.  “Wooooaaaaahh!”.   It was real.

In a nanosecond I’d turned the lamp on and tried to work out what was going on.  It’s 5.20am, I’m asleep and someone has just come in my room, in the dark, and sat on my bed?  What the fuck?! 

Whilst in a sleepy haze, my panther like reflexes aren’t the best, but as I was about to put a kick into their midriff they turned to face me.  She just stared at me – it was my friends girlfriend (who I’d only been introduced to very very briefly (we’d only said ‘hello’) once before a few days earlier).  She still looked like the girl from The Ring, but then she started lifting the duvet to get into my bed.

ring“I’m not being funny…but you’re mental”

The look on her face wasn’t: ‘I want to shag you’, it was more: ‘I’m going to bludgeon you to death when you’re asleep’.

She looked in a bit of a daze, lost and confused.  Finally i got her attention, the mist cleared a little.  I told her she was in the wrong room and she should be across the hall, she panicked and apologised. Maybe she was sleepwalking, I wasn’t sure?  But just before she closed the door she left me with this gem: “are you ok for drinks?” 


Obviously I didn’t get back asleep again for fear of being stabbed to death.  (My other mates said I should’ve taken advantage of her ‘accidentally’ getting into my bed, I’ll be honest…even I wouldn’t).

Morning arrives: turns out she is a mentalist. 

Apparently, unbeknown to my mate, she had taken 2 sleeping tablets and drunk a bottle of wine – he must find them in the local asylum.  Still no explanation why she was in my room (except that being in my room was the only part of the previous 6-8 hours she can actually remember)!  I’ve been assured she won’t be returning, but if she does, I’m locking all the knives away.


29 thoughts on “Unwanted Visitor

  1. Perpetual
    My underknackers were very nearly shitted!

    Stephanie of Stopbouncing
    She had absolutely no redeeming qualities before this incident as far as I could tell. My friend can be equally unstable…a perfect match in some ways!

  2. Ha. The other day in my dorm room there was this French girl. Chatted to her, seemed nice. That night, the girl was talking away, like yapping in her sleep in english and french. Sitting bolt upright in bed, rummaging through her bag. I thought I was going to wake up to her standing next to my bed.

    Thankfully she was gone in the morning.

    Multilinguals. Brrrr.

  3. About 15 years ago a girlfriend and I went up north to spend the weekend with her brother and his wife. He is a religious prude and allocated us separate bedrooms. In the middle of the night, anxious for some, ahem, comfort, I tiptoed across the hall, quietly opened the door and was about to get in to bed when I noticed there were two shapes under the duvet, not one. Fortunately they didn’t wake and I beat a hasty – but silent – retreat.

  4. Just thinking of all the ways this could have gone very very wrong. You could have woken up with a dead girl in your bed (Her taking two sleeping pills and a bottle of wine.)

    Or being in self preservation mode, in the dark you could have have literally kicked her outa your bed and have a drunk, crying girl with broken bones laying on your bedroom floor.

    Either way you’d have had a lot of explaining to do even though you are the innocent person here.

    You have weird things happen to you.

  5. Jo
    Thats right, blame the french. It’s always the french *shakes an angry fist at France*

    I never listen to them, it goes in one ear and out the other. I reckon she will be back at some point!

    You wimped out, you could’ve at least sat on the bed. Booooo!

    S. Le
    What ever do you mean? :p

    Agree with the two scenarios, already explained both to the friend. There was an overwhelming consensus of ‘you should’ve kicked/punched her’. More to do with the fact it could’ve been a burglar than her being mental though.

    Weird things: it seems that way. I am perfectly normal though.

  6. Yes I loved the “Are you ok for drinks” too! This gem sort of makes any bomshell you drop or crazy thing you do seem almost normal, run-of-the- mill stuff.

    “Sweetheart I’ve cleaned out your bank account and gave your money to the man I’ve been cheating on you with. Oh and you better get checked for STD’s… BTW are you ok for drinks Thursday?

  7. You idiot, she might have been a sleep shagger (No I sad sleep not sheep….)

    I can imagine your defence when charged with rape :-

    “Your honour, She got into my bed uninvited….
    Straddled me against my will….
    Rode me until I was exhausted, to be honest your judgeship I was quite tired before she jumped me….
    and then offered me drinks…
    Yes I would say she was up for it……”

    Next time, make sure you go with your friend to the local Asylum. At least that way you can make sure he picks one that you fancy. Failing that and if you are still fixated about the sheep, you could always take him to your local farm or supermarket (but only if you are into necrophilia, although quite frankly that would be quite Baaahhhddd).

  8. planetross
    It was the very last thing I expected her to say. Speechless is not the word!

    I don’t do crazy stuff, just that weird stuff happens around me. Maybe I’m in a real life version of Lost.

    Or a sheep slagger? It’ll be a new programme on Living TV: “Sheep Slaggers”, the camera crew follow a herd of sheep who invade farmland and shag other animals (chickens, pigs, duck, horses, goat). I’ve no idea what I’m on about here, I sound like I’m on drugs…but if that makes it onto mainstream tv I want some commission…

    Nice summing up for the Judge there, I’ll bear that in mind if she comes back (or for use on Saturday night).

    Baaaaaaahhhdd Joke 😉

  9. Right. Stop the sheep jokes, OK? I don’t want to make a big deal of it but stop it. I know my ASBO has expired and I can roam the countryside at will now, but you can all stop taking the piss. Thanks.

  10. BlackLOG is quite funny. Interesting how he has an encyclopedia knowlege of where the line is between consentual and non-consentual sex. I think he keeps a handy dandy pocket guide on the subject.

    Don’t worry Cyn I have a different view of how things went down that night compared to BlackLOGS

    Your Honour After spending Saturday evening delivering gift baskets to the elderly Mr. Scriblle went to sleep alone (As he does not approve of pre-marital relations.

    While he was innocently dreaming of puppies and kittens this jaded woman, out-of-control on drugs and booze crept into his modest yet tidy bedroom and stealthfully slithered underneith the duvet his granny lovingly made for him.

    Mr. Scribble is lucky to have escaped with his honour in tact. I’m certian this woman would have used and abused him all night only to have thrown poor Mr. Scribble away like yesterdays garbage after she had her filthy way with him.

    I should have been an attorney…

  11. Brennig you can’t say
    “Stop the fleece jokes”
    with one breath and then come out with
    “Caller: ‘Take off your fleece, but take it off slowly….’
    unless you are not joking…
    Oh! I see, so you thought the Woody Allen Sheep Scene – in Everything you’ve always wanted to know about Sex was an instruction video not a comedy….

    I love the way that this Blog’s comments section takes on a life of it’s own, while old Cynic slips off for a drink, takes a nap, stalks ex girlfriends, abuses goats etc.. I spend ages feeding the BlackLOG all sorts of manure* yet it never takes off like this…I bet he also ignores his houseplants and watches them flourish….

    * Holy crap, I’m obviously using the wrong type

  12. People go on and on about saving baby seals but nobody carea about the abuse sheep in the UK seem to endure.

    Cynical you should start a charity to save sheep and goats from unwanted attention. You could call it DUMASS. (Dominant UK Males Against Shagging Sheep)

    Maybe Elton John could be your spokes person

  13. Don’t worry Cynical – you just relax, take it easy, get your mates girlfriend to fetch you a drink….

    Brennig – sorry to be picky but I’m pretty sure that Goats don’t have Fleeces, except for the Angora ones that are so wannabe sheep that they out-sheep sheep when it comes to sheepiness….

    Sherry – Are you seriously suggesting that Cynical should be going out and clubbing Sheep and Goats to death, I suspect the RSPC take a very dim view of this type of action. It’s not like he will get shipped off to Australia for his crime, more likely that he will end up sharing a cell with Lawrence. I’m sure Lawrence is a very nice man except for his tendency to sodomise DUMASS members….

    I’m totally with you on Clubbing Elton John to death though….

  14. BlackLOG hahahahahah you are killing me!

    Why wouldn’t Cyn’s blog take on a life of it’s own without his help? He’s the kind of lucky bastard who can’t be arsed to chase women or bother about them at all really only to wake up with tipsy nymphette’s trying to get his stalk on. Oh and if that’s not enough she offer’s to buy him drinks as well. Yeah he’s golden it seems.

  15. Didn’t get a chance to come on here yesterday so I had to let you kids roam free…

    I like to think that my posts initiate the weird bit of the brain in people..hence the comments going off on a different tangents. Or maybe it’s just the weird bit of my brain..

    I’d like to report we have no house plants whatsoever. We had one…once, a few years ago. It lasted through 7 days of torture – we never watered it once, before it died. Plants know better than to come here now.

    If only everything was that easy! If I was golden I would’ve melted myself down into liquid gold and given myself up to be an Oscar. Spending the rest of my days in some movie stars toilet or as a door stop.

  16. wow. i turn my back for a second and it’s descended into obscenity. cyn you really do get yourself into the weirdest situations. totally should have kicked her. xxx

  17. albabigman
    I’ve already put my kicking leg into training just incase it happens again 😉

    I thought I led quite a dull life to be honest. Things just take a twist every now and again 😀

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