Unwanted attention

Not much has happened with Voodoo Girl from my previous posts.  In fact, apart from making tentative plans to go out last week – which never materialised for some reason – nothing has happened at all.  Even though I got over the hard bit by getting in touch after a criminally long time, unanswered calls and no replies to a couple of  texts mean I just can’t be arsed chasing now.  I haven’t tried contacting her since and neither has she got in touch with me.  So that is that.

Although, as one bites the dust, I seemingly had a few admirers over the weekend.

First off was on Friday night, the bar was a bit crowded and people had to squeeze past each other.  Normally to grab someone’s attention to ask them to just budge out the way a little, I either tap them on the shoulder or tap their waist as I move through, obviously whilst smiling and saying various pleasantries such as:  ‘excuse me’, ‘cheers mate’, ‘ta’, ‘nice one’ etc.

One person, on their way past didn’t try to push me out the way, utter ‘excuse me’ or other such pleasantries.  Instead they patted my arse and had a good ol’ grope of my behind.  Surprised, but also hoping said person was attractive, I turned to have a look to see what she was like.

Surprise very quickly turned to horror when I realised it wasn’t a female.  It was man!

He then held eye contact longer than necessary and nodded at me.  I’ll be honest; I froze and let out a little scream inside.  I’ve had my arse felt before but never by a man!

That should’ve been that.  But nooooooooo, said man decided to almost stalk me around the bar for about the next hour.  I lost count the number of times he took various snake like passages through the crowd to go past me again. It wasn’t just in my mind either; my mates noticed his undivided attention too.

Quite flattering in some way, but I was annoyed when we all walked through to go outside on the terrace thing (so my mates could inhale some cancer into their lungs), he was stood by the door and even though my mates got through unscathed, he managed to half block my path so I had to squeeze past.  At this point my mates obviously found it hilarious!  He must’ve got the hint though because thankfully I didn’t see him again.

Fast forward to Saturday and a different bar, in a different part of town and I was waiting for my mate to come back from the bar.  What happens?  I got chatted up by two lads.

Five minutes earlier I was 80% certain I’d seen one of them give the other a kiss on the cheek.  As I was still waiting for my mate I seen them look over a couple of times and one of them point at me.  Now, I know they could’ve just been being friendly, but lads don’t normally approach other lads for a chat on a Saturday night out in bars do they?  Not in my neck of the woods anyway.  So there I was trying my best to not be unfriendly, but not be too friendly!  They scarpered when he came back, again, much to his amusement.

Then to round it all off, a little while later, my mate was laughing as I came back from the bar.  I asked what he was laughing at:

“You!  The lad over there in fancy dress camouflage gear thing (and he definitely wasn’t lost on some reconnaissance mission for the army), was giving you the eye and checking you out as you walked past!”

What’s going on?!  I’ve never knowingly been given attention from another man before, let alone three times in 24 hours.

Maybe it was the pink fairy wings I was wearing (joke!).

It’s flattering and all, but as I don’t bat for that side, can I have some interest from females next weekend please!

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31 thoughts on “Unwanted attention

  1. Must’ve been wearing your gay shirt! Sheesh! Better man-up a bit mate! Scary! You may need to work on farting and spitting!

  2. A couple of possibilities here

    1). Voodoo girl has set you up….

    2). Something has caused Gaydar to malfunction in your area – possibly the world although I would probably freak if I was felt up by another bloke….

    3). You need to stop all the denial and face a life with possibly more hairy and uglier partners….

    P.S. If Voodoo is a female version of you (and possibly your ideal partner) you might both be playing the can’t be arsed card to the detriment off a wonderful future together

    P.P.S. Does trying everything once include death….I was thinking of attempting to avoid that one, that and being a wide receiver, sleeping with anyone less than half my age (If you wish to avoid a criminal record and going on a register you should only take up this rule after your 32nd birthday) and not without written permission from Mrs B (it’s never going to happen then). I also have high hopes of sticking to my own species…..

  3. Ok you need a new game plan:

    1.Just because some maiden auntie gives you a pink shirt for Christmas doesnt mean you should wear it to the pub (Unless you have a tall, leggy blonde on your arm.) Oh btw I mean a tall, leggy blonde female.

    2. Stop sticking your pinkie up when you drink your peach fizz with a twist of lime.

    3. Stop drinking peach fizz’s altogether. Try a more manly drink like a strawberry daiquiri.

    4. Stop going to the loo in pairs (Only women can get away with that)

    Wait I just realized… Voodoo girl did put a curse on you for not feeding and watering her. Face it from now on you’ll either have a gay life of stand with your back to the wall at pubs!

  4. The guy who grabbed your arse was testing you mate. Now I’m not sayig you needed to lay him out but since you didnt even shove him away or at least say “Fuck off arse hole” in a menacing tone he knew you would put up with his shit all night. And you did…

    Come on mate you’ve tested women to see what they will tolerate and better yet what they wont in order to see what you can get away with.

    This guy was just doing the same to you. I hate to tell you but if a bloke grabs your ass and you do nothing and say nothing you get what you deserve.

    Man up dude or next time he may grab more than your back side!

    hahah great blog mate. Hang tough

    • BlackLOG
      Every magnet known to man, the moon and any other kind of magnetic force must’ve misaligned! The only chance of me facing a life of hairy and uglier partners would be if I met a Hungarian shot putter – its not gonna happen!

      You could be right about voodoo girl setting me up: first it was sickness, now getting touched up…it goes in three’s, so next week must be certain death or something.
      On the other point about her though – you may be right, but…I can’t be bothered trying to find out. (Wait until I write a post moaning about being single, remind of this)!

      Can’t promise anything on the own species thing 😉

      southerngirl
      Some good advice there *furiously scribbles notes*
      Although I must say; I have never and will never, own anything pink! I will also remember to remove all paraphernalia (umbrella’s, cocktail sticks, long twisty luminous straws etc) from my pint.

      ukbloke
      haha great advice again!
      I was in too much of a shock to say/do anything when he grabbed my arse. Any other time he walked passed I blanked him, so it’s not like he got egged on.
      I don’t test women in the same way as you say (my long standing singleton status confirms this!) but, I know what you mean…point taken!

      *sets life into Manning Up mode*

  5. I’m not saying we “test” them for coupledom.. I’m saying we see how far they will let us go toward…. you gonna make me say it?? We test them to see how far they will go for the night. You know exactly what I’m saying mate.

    I’m not going to buy drinks all night for a chick I can’t pull. So you have to say some suggestive things and if you dont get slapped or told to go fuck yourself you might slyly run your hand down her back to her bum. Testing her reaction. If she dont slap you she’s probably gonna get pulled. Of course plying her with drink always helps!

    Who said anything about coupledom? sheeesh

    Thats what this pole smoker did to you! Only he didnt have the class and sophistication I do by starting with smut talk first.

    As you can see Im a suave, man-bout-town type. Come to me for advice anytime mate.

  6. btw mate your blog is hilarious. Hearing what happens at the pub like pulling that chick then giving her the heave ho when she was digging it is too funny. Being groped by a dude. Man I laughed my arse off over that. The best was the camaflage wanna be soldier making you his eye candy was the best! You must be one of those pretty boys. (I dont mean that in a gay way). The type the women all go awwwwwww ohhhhh over and say shit like “look how long his eyelashes are”. Right the chicks call them “boyish” or something.

    Chicks dont go awww and ohhhh over me even though I keep my belching and farting to a minimum. I have to rely on the liquid knicker remover and my natural sophistication.

    • ukbloke
      Don’t worry, I’m writing down every little piece of advice. I wouldn’t even think of passing up an opportunity to gain some knowledge from a suave and sophisticated man like your good self!

      Glad you like the blog, I do tedious posts too though, this stuff doesn’t happen all the time! I wouldn’t call myself a pretty boy or anything, I do burps and farts as good as the next man.

      Cheers for the comments, it’s appreciated. I’m off to curl my eyelashes…

  7. Just when I was falling for you cynical you went and mentioned burps and farts! Somehow my vision of knights and white horses never included burps and farts. I guess I know why you are single now!

    Although even if you burped and farted all night long you seem like a dream compared to the charming and sophisticated ukbloke.

    Liquid knicker remover indeed! Tisk Tisk I say to ukbloke.

    Oh btw if you are perpetually single how do you know about eye lash curling??? I think you’ve had a bit more experience with the ladies than you let on. Don’t be holding out on us now.

  8. Hmm, I’m with Southern Girl on the charms of UKbloke. I can think of no helpful advice that hasn’t already been offered up on the altar of the comments box. I mean, it seems you have discovered some weird pheromone whereby you are phenomenally attractive to men. Can I have some of it please? The pheromone I mean.

  9. Cripes, life was so much less complicated when I was young/younger. Think mebbe I should stay newly single and become the crazy horse lady I was destined to be 😉 Still giggling over the liquid knicker remover comment, some things never change.

    • Southerngirl
      I’ve got to fend off the women somehow, burping and farting is one of my defences, ha!
      Don’t count your chickens with ukbloke – he called me a pretty boy…I’m sure he’s a softy at heart !
      As for the eye lash curling…*whistles*

      Welsh Girl
      These pheromones…I’ll pop some in the post for you, addressed to: Welsh Girl, Out in the sticks, Wales. Let me know how you get on with them. Hey, if there is mass demand for my pheromones maybe I could go on Dragons Den and pitch the idea… “This time next year Rodney…” !

      moonandmuttley
      Life is simple now, we just make it complicated! Crazy horse ladies are ok, it’s the crazy cat ladies you have to watch out for 🙂

  10. I think ukbloke is showing a bit too much interest in cynical’s life. All that pretty boy stuff makes me believe he may have a man crush on you… How many would hta make in one week? twenty?

  11. This Blog has left normal blog-dom behind and through the comments section transcended into the world of blog-soap. You are now legally obliged to provided a helpline number for anyone who has been affected by the subject covered….

    Personally I need a helpline to get over eyelash curlers. I’ve seen them lurking at the bottom of Mrs B’s makeup bag and quite frankly they give me the heebie jeebies……I’m now having nightmares about my eyeballs popping out….

    P.S. If it ever gets to the big screen can I have George Clooney play me…..

    other suggestions

    ukbloke – Bernard Manning
    Welsh Girl – Duffy
    moonandmuttley – Clare Balding (Nutty Horsewoman)

    • Southerngirl
      As long as he is happy, eh!

      BlackLOG
      Just to cover all my bases, and incase you’re troubled by any of these issues: 08457 90 90 90

      I have to agree on the eyelash curlers, they look like some kind of medieval torture device.

      I have to applaud your casting skills – even with the somewhat dubious BlackLOG role going to the Clooney – but Claire Balding was inspired. Think you took the easy route with Duffy though, shes raking it in, what about that Welsh woman who was on Hi-De-Hi?! Or Stacey from the ‘not very funny at all’ “comedy” Gavin & Stacey.

  12. I’m not very Welsh orientated I’m afraid (sorry Welsh girl) and so panicked after, yes I have to say it myself the genius selection of CB. I should have gone for Duffy’s father – Shaking Stevens (again sorry Welsh girl). For those of you who don’t believe that Shaking Stevens is Duffy’s dad I think I have a 50 – 50 chance of being correct because aren’t all Welsh people the offspring of Shaky or Tom Jones – Once again and this time with feeling, sorry Welsh girl – please feel free to knock my 50% Irish, 50% Scottish but 100% English heritage or failing that my less than convincing maths….

    P.S The old woman on the end of 08457 90 90 90 was not impressed. She threatened to stick the eyelash curlers somewhere that the sun don’t shine….

    P.P.S Mr Clooney can look rough at times so I stand by that selection…..

  13. Ok lets here the storted story of Fruday night at the pub.

    Did You pull a woman only to find out when you undressed her that she was a hemaphrodite?

    No wait I’ve got it when you came home from the pub there was a gay guy dressed up like a cop staking out your underwear drawer!

    Woo Hoo I can have fun with these scenario’s for ages!

  14. I can actually spell actually. I do realize I should have typed lets “hear” and not “here” and I am aware that Friday is not spelled Fruday. I really need to check my spelling before clicking “submit”

    I need to watch my spelling so that new people to the blog won’t think that cynical corresponds with idiots and morons. No offense ukbloke! hahahahahahh

  15. oh and it should have been “sordid” not “sorted”. I’m really making a poor showing.. Cynical will never want me now. Ah well we know ukbloke will always be available…

    • BlackLOG
      She had probably popped one of her eyeballs out in a tragically and comic eye-lash curler incident in her mid-40’s.
      PS: I watched ‘Up In The Air’ with Mr Clooney yesterday (not actually with him, with him in it…), anyway, I think he’d be honoured to play the role of BlackLOG! I’m not sure he’d be convinced to shave his hair though, we’ll have to have strict words with him about that..

      Southern Girl
      No hemaphrodites in these parts…I hope.

      planetross
      I bet the dance puts them off straight away 😉

      bevchen
      The comments have certainly kept itself going. My trauma is for others amusement!

  16. ok something is definately a foot. First two different men try to make Cynical their bitch and last night at Denny’s a chick winked at me. Twice… If that werent bad enough she was a redneck too!

    Now either the earths magno-gyrations ARE out of whack or voodoo girl put a whammie on me as well.

    I’m not sure but didn’t the bible mention this sort of thing as the first sign of the coming apocolypse?

    I don’t know about anyone else but I’m spending the rest of my days snacking on canned greenbean while hunkered down in my basement turned bomb shelter.

  17. I’ve completed the circle on this one, I think.

    Because I have long hair, and can sometimes appear quite androgynous, I occasionally get the odd lesbian approach me. That’s always funny.

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