Going radio rental

I haven’t been too sure if I wanted to write about this or not, I nearly wrote it last week but decided against it. But now I might as well do one of them ‘fuck it, just type’ posts.

For the past few weeks, maybe a bit longer (probably since I returned from Spain), I’ve not been feeling right in myself.  But over the past 2 weeks this has just been ramped up 10 fold and I’m now feeling as weird and as fed up as I’ve felt in a while.

There’s no real trigger that has set me off. It’s a mixture of things (normal run of the mill things). I’m fed up with my home/social life: Even though lately I seem to be getting out on a weekend, Monday to Thursday the only people I speak to are colleagues in work. Once I get home there’s no one to speak to, that’s it in the main. Unless I make the effort to go see a mate or family (and with it always being me making that effort, it gets tiresome).

Which then leads onto singledom.  Although I’m quite happy being single, I’m just bored of the monotony of it all. I’m not an attention seeker or anything, but I get no attention from anyone (there’s a contradiction for you).  No one seeing how I am or, seemingly caring.   It’s just hard at the minute muddling on.  Having too much thinking time isn’t helping and having no distraction there.

Money is a problem but not a real worry.  I have some spare cash (not enough, but who ever has enough?) to do things so I’m not housebound.  I’ve just got no real distractions other than work which is just boring as fuck lately.

My sleeping levels have dropped off to next to none.   If I’m sleeping at all I’m getting 2/3 hours of disturbed sleep as a maximum (I got no sleep whatsoever on Wednesday night).  Unless I go and get drunk, when I slept like a baby last weekend.

I’m also not eating properly – not helped by the fact we’ve put no gas money on the meter (since we didn’t pay the gas bill) so the oven is out of use.  I’ve since been eating mainly salads, but just not enough.  I know I’m not eating properly, I’ve got a constant ‘knot’ in my stomach.  A  few people in work have remarked that I’m noticeable losing weight over the past 2/3 weeks.

Which brings me back to work, the only people who see me regular are my work colleagues. To put it slightly my boss is worried as fuck about me.  He’s called me into his office a few times the past few weeks to see what’s wrong (he’s never ever done that before in 10 years so I must look like shit).   When I try and tell him ‘nothing’ I feel myself getting upset and struggle to get my words out ‘just fed up in general’ and then try and make a joke out of it.  Then I start feeling tears trying to come out and struggle speaking without making a show of myself.   I’d love to just blabber, but I can’t, not to my boss!

I know its anxiety (I think), but it’s over nothing.  I don’t feel like there is anything wrong.  Nobody has upset me; I’m not particularly worried about anything.  I’m just fed up and bored of ‘this’.  I start thinking about going to Australia and then even that just sets me off again with the ‘is this it?’ type thoughts.

I’ve tried talking to some family and a mate but they shrug it off a bit: “go the quacks”, “you’ll be alright, come and have a pint”.

But I’m not alright, I know I’m not me, even now the lump in the throat is there, the knot in the stomach and I can feel the water behind the eyes…

…I don’t know how to fix it.


16 thoughts on “Going radio rental

  1. You’re not going mental. I know the feeling when you’re just kind of wondering ‘is this it?’. That’s exactly how I felt before I decided to go travelling and knew it wasnt just me saying it for fun, that I had to get out and do something. The day to day work searching, singledom and friendship problems just weren’t doing me any favours.

    If even your boss has noticed then there must be visible signs, which in a way is better than just you thinking you’re doing doolally-tap. Clearly people do give a shit, even if they don’t show it with text messages and phone calls. It sounds like you lack something to look forward to rather than anything else.

    And for gods sake put some gas money on the meter. Or at least buy a microwave. 🙂

  2. Someone needs a hug!

    Me not being a quack and probably the worst person in the world to give advice about anything then I’ll not try and suggest how to sort this out. Suffice it to say that at the very least, you know there’s a problem, and admission is the first step.

    Failing that, gather up all the cash you were going to put in the gas meter and blow it all on a really quality hooker!

  3. Thanks Jo!
    You’re right, I am missing something to look forward to. I need something to change in the daily grind rather than a single event though. I’m off to a concert/small festival in Leeds tomorrow and I’m more ‘urrgghh’ about it than ‘whay hey’…then again, it is in Leeds 😉

    I know people give a shit, I just spent so much time on my own it feels like they don’t sometimes.

    I’m being stubborn on the gas meter, I paid the water bill last week, so it’s not my turn. The joys of sharing a house eh? This winter is going to be fun with a gas meter that rapes every penny we put in it!

    Indeed, I do need a hug.
    I’m not one for hookers, but point taken. It’s probably the lack of intimacy that’s doing it, If I got laid once in a while I’d probably be right as rain 😉

  4. CS…. hugs to you.

    First things first: weeknights you’re bored and lonely. There’s nothing wrong with feeling like that, you’re obviously a very self-sufficient person, but every one has a point when things become a little bit too much. Is there anything you’re interested in with evening classes or clubs in your area, like a drama group, sailing club, martial arts, language course, art course, darts, dominoes, dancing, battle reenactment societies (you get my drift)? It sounds a bit dorky but it can be a lot of fun.

    Also, where do you live? If it’s near me, seriously, I’m there to go for a drink with!

    Secondly, ‘is this it?’: well… yes. Unless you want something else. Which you do. But what?

    And thirdly: don’t let that knot in your stomach get any bigger. Treat yourself to a warm meal and a trip to the cinema or something which will take your mind off everything and start again. But mainly, make sure you’re breathing properly. Spend some time doing relaxational breathing (like 10 minutes a day) and see if it works. If it doesn’t, try something else, like meditation or self-medicating with alcohol (joke… kinda).

  5. Yeah I agree with all of the above comments. Sounds like you’re in need of a change somewhere. You just have to identify where in your life you need it most. Ever thought of volunteering somewhere as a way of getting out and about and meeting new people?

  6. Good suggestions from the above in the peanut gallery.
    To add my peanut: everybody goes through “the doldrums” of “is this it?”, “nothing noticeable on the horizon”, and feeling like a chess game tie … “stale mate”.
    Things sometimes change by themself and other times a bit of a shake up in routine helps. Nothing is 100% guaranteed to work, but a bit of a change is a bit of a rest … and something different.

    And for fucksake eat a bit more properly and buy a big mammoth woolly sweater at least!

    Seriously: if you are severely in a blue funk, talk to other family members and friends … you are not the first to feel like this and someone you know has probably been in the exact same situation.

    Did you really want to get advice from a 44 year old Canadian in Japan? Ruts level out eventually.

  7. It definitely sounds like you need a change. At least with me too much routine and being in the same place for too long make me really depressed. The suggestion about going out and meeting people is a good one – whether it is volunteering somewhere or evn doing some kind of course (language course?). Anything to get you out there and among people.

  8. It sounds as though you need a ‘regular’. Regular thing to look forward to. Regular activity of some kind. New regular distraction? Hobby?

    Festivals and so on, they’re great things to look forward to, but they don’t occur often enough to take us outside of the routine and you, my friend, sound as though you have a bad case of the routine.


  9. blueskies – I talked with my sister last night, she suggested the same about the classes/clubs thing. I’ll look into…I’m not going to be an Ork though!

    I have absolutely no idea what I want though. I don’t really have an aim as such (apart from wanting to go to Oz), so it’s kinda hard to know what to do-ish!

    Thank you for the offer of a drink, I live in Liverpool, bit far from you I think. But let me know if you’re ever in this neck of the woods.

    Self medication tips have already begun in force 😉

    Miss M – The identifying thing is what I’m struggling with! I’m my own worst enemy 🙂 I’ll look into the volunteering/classes thing though.

    planetross – Advice is welcome from all quarters at the min. I know things will sort themselves out, I’m just in a bit of a hole without a ladder at the min.

    bevchen – Yep change is needed. It’s just knowing where to start, as I’ve said in the other comments, I’m going to look into the classes thing.

    Brenning – Yep, routine is shit – or my one is at least!

    Thanks for all your comments and advice, it helps and is appreciated a lot.
    Thanks x

  10. Ohh, gosh, you poor thing, that’s no fun at all. Everything is painful and difficult when tired, and doubly so when underfed. As others have said, you need a hobby. And to meet people, either new friends, or new romantic interests or both. Preferably through said hobby. But make sure that you eat and sleep properly, or else you won’t be able to function usefully at all…

  11. Even those of us who are happily married go through doldrums now and again. Sometimes we even feel depressed, especially as we get older, and who amongst us isn’t getting on a bit? I hope you can shake this feeling you’re having. Planning for Oz could be something to look forward to. Please eat some real food. Salads are meant to accompany meals or be an occasional meal but not a steady diet. Best to you dear! ~S~

  12. Sorry, I’m a bit late getting to this one but I wanted to say that it isn’t strange to feel like this. I suffer from exactly the same thing (sadly, I resort to cheese and crackers not salad). What works for me? Sometimes picking up a really good book does the trick – reminds me of all the stuff / thoughts / people there are out there. Occasionally, sobbing like a fool in front of the television helps. It sounds as though things are a little bit worse for you though. Would your boss let you take a sabbatical? If he would maybe you should sign up to volunteer somewhere and get out of your comfort zone for a while. If he won’t it might be worth trying volunteering two evenings a week. I don’t mean it in a ‘do gooder’ sort of way, but the contact with other people, and the feeling of being useful can be a huge help. Just a thought. xx

    • Welsh Girl – You know what, last night it dawned on me that half the reason I’m feeling like I do at the min is exactly because I don’t feel useful or needed by anyone. I know I am, but I just don’t feel it.

      I’m going to ask my boss about a sabbatical, not until I’m exactly sure what I want to do with it though. There’s a small chance I may be able to piss off to Australia sooner than I thought…again though, do I go as a ‘holiday’ or just go (with no definate return date) and see what happens. You’re right though, I need to get away from the norm for a bit.

      Thanks for the advice.

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