I haven’t been too sure if I wanted to write about this or not, I nearly wrote it last week but decided against it. But now I might as well do one of them ‘fuck it, just type’ posts.
For the past few weeks, maybe a bit longer (probably since I returned from Spain), I’ve not been feeling right in myself. But over the past 2 weeks this has just been ramped up 10 fold and I’m now feeling as weird and as fed up as I’ve felt in a while.
There’s no real trigger that has set me off. It’s a mixture of things (normal run of the mill things). I’m fed up with my home/social life: Even though lately I seem to be getting out on a weekend, Monday to Thursday the only people I speak to are colleagues in work. Once I get home there’s no one to speak to, that’s it in the main. Unless I make the effort to go see a mate or family (and with it always being me making that effort, it gets tiresome).
Which then leads onto singledom. Although I’m quite happy being single, I’m just bored of the monotony of it all. I’m not an attention seeker or anything, but I get no attention from anyone (there’s a contradiction for you). No one seeing how I am or, seemingly caring. It’s just hard at the minute muddling on. Having too much thinking time isn’t helping and having no distraction there.
Money is a problem but not a real worry. I have some spare cash (not enough, but who ever has enough?) to do things so I’m not housebound. I’ve just got no real distractions other than work which is just boring as fuck lately.
My sleeping levels have dropped off to next to none. If I’m sleeping at all I’m getting 2/3 hours of disturbed sleep as a maximum (I got no sleep whatsoever on Wednesday night). Unless I go and get drunk, when I slept like a baby last weekend.
I’m also not eating properly – not helped by the fact we’ve put no gas money on the meter (since we didn’t pay the gas bill) so the oven is out of use. I’ve since been eating mainly salads, but just not enough. I know I’m not eating properly, I’ve got a constant ‘knot’ in my stomach. A few people in work have remarked that I’m noticeable losing weight over the past 2/3 weeks.
Which brings me back to work, the only people who see me regular are my work colleagues. To put it slightly my boss is worried as fuck about me. He’s called me into his office a few times the past few weeks to see what’s wrong (he’s never ever done that before in 10 years so I must look like shit). When I try and tell him ‘nothing’ I feel myself getting upset and struggle to get my words out ‘just fed up in general’ and then try and make a joke out of it. Then I start feeling tears trying to come out and struggle speaking without making a show of myself. I’d love to just blabber, but I can’t, not to my boss!
I know its anxiety (I think), but it’s over nothing. I don’t feel like there is anything wrong. Nobody has upset me; I’m not particularly worried about anything. I’m just fed up and bored of ‘this’. I start thinking about going to Australia and then even that just sets me off again with the ‘is this it?’ type thoughts.
I’ve tried talking to some family and a mate but they shrug it off a bit: “go the quacks”, “you’ll be alright, come and have a pint”.
But I’m not alright, I know I’m not me, even now the lump in the throat is there, the knot in the stomach and I can feel the water behind the eyes…
…I don’t know how to fix it.