Five things I’ve never done

I seen an interview about the new James Bond film today and I realised I’ve never ever seen a James Bond film.  So, in no particular order, here are some things I’ve never done which I probably should’ve by now (not including mad mentalist stuff like jumping out of planes or anything), this is just kinda ‘normal’ things…

Watched a James Bond film

Sure, I’ve seen snippets, but I’ve never had the patience to sit through one.  Nothing at all about it appeals to me for some reason.  It just all seems a bit shit. 


The thought of singing in front of people, no matter how bad/good, fills me with dread.  You’ll never ever get me near one of them things.  Ever. 

Although I did do ‘backing vocals’ with a band in my local pub once many many moons ago.  When I say ‘backing vocals’, I was coerced into doing the ‘whooo woooo’ bit of Rolling Stones – Sympathy for the Devil.  I was tremendous.  I was also absolutely shitfaced.

Had a ‘long term’ relationship

I always thought when I was younger, at 29 years of age I’d have all the relationship stuff sown up by now.  How wrong could I be?! Any relationships I’ve had in the past, well they just kind of fizzled out and I never let them drag on longer than they had to.  Maybe I’m just a picky bastard, but good things come to those who wait, don’t they?!  I’m by no means a bronzed Adonis, but I’m decent looking enough *smooths eyebrows*, or so I’ve been assured millions of times in the past!  The main reason for my singleton life is that I’m quite a shy person and I’ll never go out looking for females on a night out,  if it happens one day it happens.  I’m happy with my singleton status for now and to be honest, I’d rather just go out and have a laugh with my mates.  Although with my lack of relationships half my family think I’m gay, I’m also nearly (6 months or so to go) 30, so I’m worried I’ll be buying cats soon. 

Been the Theatre to see a play

Not quite sure why I’ve never been the theatre to see a play.  Maybe because I’d rather just spend my money on a night out in bars/clubs.  Or because I’ve lived a mainly singleton life, it’s not something I’ve had the opportunity to do and it seems like a coupley thing to do. 

Fancy Dress

I’ll be honest, I don’t get it.  When I see stag do’s or whatever around the city centre I just label everyone in fancy dress as twats.  It’s easier that way – I’ll find that a small percentage are ok but the others are self proclaimed ‘nutters’ who, invariable, do turn out to be nutters.  I know I’ve just labelled everyone into a little sect – I’m fancydrescist.  Maybe I’m just a miserable sod, but I have never felt the need to ‘dress up’ to go and enjoy myself.  I don’t need to wear a big wacky hat and a fake moustache to have a laugh.  Don’t get me wrong, I did when I was five.  I loved it then – I was He-Man for years, I had the sword and everything.  Then Batman appealed to me and I made myself a little ‘utility belt’ (which held pencils instead of poisonous gases).   In infant school we also had a place where we could go and dress up on a Friday if we had been good that week.  It was fantastic.  But that was 20 odd years ago, nowadays, I’m afraid I don’t see the appeal.


Wasn’t that exciting reading through that, you will never get those minutes of your life back again, ever.  You loved every minute of it didn’t you.  If you didn’t, then I apologise wholeheartedly – with a little bit of sugar on top.  Do come again.  Next blog…


11 thoughts on “Five things I’ve never done

  1. That’s quite a list

    You should try the new bond films – they are much better. Please don’t tell me you have not seen any of the Bourne films- If you have and you enjoyed them you probably enjoy the new Bond films

    With you on the Karaoke front. I was once forced on stage with a bunch of others, at a work Christmas party. I managed to grab a blow up guitar as I was being manhandled up the stairs and pretended to play that letting the others make complete plonkers off themselves. I would probably have got away with it if I had not set light to it half way through the Set. Oh Jimmy, Jimmy* how did you manage to make it look so cool and not burn your lips.

    * No, No I’m not talking about Jimmy Osmond…..

    Mrs B and I 23 years and going strong – it is important to wait for the right person. I’m sure Mrs B still has high hopes of meeting them….

    Plays can be most enjoyable, but not all
    “West end disaster”
    – just don’t ever get dragged to Opera or Ballet.

    Fancy dress has its place – I met Mrs B at a fancy dress party, she was a French maid – “Oh la la” while I went as a boxer – Knock out. Then there was the time I went to a party in Souf London. My top half was in a policeman’s uniform (I borrowed my dads actual tunic and helmet) while my bottom arrived in stockings and suspenders. We arrived late and when I knocked on the door it went very quiet after someone peeped through the eyelet. Not quite the same story when they eventualy opened the door and saw my bottom half. I only found out later that the mad dash to the toilets was not through fear but an attempt to get their drugs back. I have not been tempted recently although I apparently accidentally went to the recent Hoosiers gig dressed as my Granddad.

  2. haha I hope not too much was lost in the toilet!

    I’ve love the Bourne films, I thought about them as I was writing about Bond. I dunno, maybe I’ll give the new ones a go at some point, but I doubt I’ll ever watch the older ones.

    Good point about the fancy dress, I do get to see some lovely sights as well as some bad ones!

  3. If you do manage to steel yourself to see the new Bond, make sure you see Casino Royal first. It follows directly on and I’ve read that it can be a bit confusing if you don’t have the background….

  4. ok ok, the next rainy hungover day, I’ll give it a whirl. I’ve probably sat through a lot worse…

    Pirates of the Caribbean 3 I’m looking at you here, I lost 3 hours of my life….three hours.

  5. Casino Royale beats Pirates 3 with a stick, or what ever blunt instrument you prefer. It has action, sex, violence, and beauty. I suppose there are those who would argue Pirates 3 had the same elements, but Casino also has a plot and good writing. Needless to say…. So I won’t.

  6. Just stumbled across your blog – clicked through from a comment you left somewhere else. I’m loving it! Especially this post, as I started constructing a similar “things to do before I’m 30” list the other day. And while I’ve already done four of the five on yours, I hope it will be of some reassurance to you to know that you are not the only one who has done the unthinkable and gone through life without ever seeing a Bond movie. I was being mocked for this just yesterday. And alas, I feel that it may soon change… but for now, just wanted to empathise and do the whole solidarity thing. That is all.

    Oh, and great blog, but I believe I already said that. 🙂

  7. Hi Hails, thanks for comment and I’m glad you like the blog.

    I can feel myself cracking on the Bond thing. I’ve since asked a few other people and all have recommended watching Casino Royale and by all accounts the new one is supposed to be great. We’ll see…

  8. The Star Wars ones were good when I was a kid. I’d have recommended them years ago but not now, they aren’t really that good when you watch them nowadays. Plus you might turn into a geeky star wars nerd overnight. I don’t want to be held responsible for that 😉

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