Why are the taps in toilets now the most confusing things in the world?

In my day, they just had taps that you turned clockwise/anti-clockwise to release the water.  They were easy to use and everywhere had the same set up.  There was no Crystal Maze puzzle to solve first; they just worked how you expected them to.  Nowadays you seemingly need a degree in tapology to make them work.

I was stood there in the toilet trying to get this tap to work.  It was in a recently renovated bar and it had that contemporary look, so I thought it may be one of the sensor ones…nope it wasn’t.  I then tried the trusted turning method…nope that didn’t work either.

I stopped for a few seconds and looked around for instructions.  Why is it impossible to get this tap to work?   I tried turning it again just in case my muscles had failed me a few seconds earlier, it still didn’t bring the prize of water.  I was beaten by a fucking bathroom tap.

“Push it down” quipped some student chap, out for fresher’s week, behind me.

It really didn’t look like a tap that you pushed down, but I tried it anyway.

Me: “aaahhhhhh….haha….thanks”

S: “I’m only a first year engineering student, out on my own, and I know how to work the taps.”

He was actually beaming with pride at his superior tap knowledge.   If he was my nephew I would’ve ruffled his hair and congratulated the little scamp, but already a few days into university life he looked like he hadn’t washed for a few days and I wasn’t chancing it.  He was out in the big bad world on his own and any displays of affection may have softened him up.  He was obviously thriving in his new independent world.

I obviously wouldn’t be a successful applicant, but I can’t help but wonder how easy it must be to get onto a university engineering course these days.


5 thoughts on “Taps

  1. You should count yourself lucky it was not one of those – nothing, nothing, nothing….. all over your crotch versions so trendy on the Continent.

    As for ruffling the hair of your new found student type friend, no, no I say, and no again. That way lies ruin as it gives him the opportunity to sue for sexual harassment. It should have been straight into one of the cubicles with him and a quick flush with his head down the bowl (I must stress it should be a clean bowl even for smug student types). Don’t worry about the potential embarrassment of not being able to work the flush system it sounds like he would soon set you straight on that score…..

  2. Hah, that is so true about these new fangle taps that are everywhere – especially in London. I believe that designers don’t wash their hands, that’s why all the taps and sinks nowadays look like a feeding trough with a shiny metal pipe sticking out of it that’s impossible to use. I’ve been somewhere (can’t remember now, maybe drink was involved) and there was a foot pedal for water to come out of the tap!

  3. I was going to take a degree in “Tapology” but the maths required were too much for me. Got a degree in “Blogology” instead. Just as difficult but with less maths.

  4. Ontop of that you have the lift up and slide to slide ones, designed to let you control the temprature exactly, but infact giving you the choice of scalding hot and nut shrinkingly cold.

    If you do get the correct hot handwashing temperature you will accidentally pull it up a bit too far in your excitement, while sliding it just a little more to the hot angle, drenching your manhood in water of such a temperature that Mount Etna would hang up its lava tubes and call it a day

  5. Oli – your comment was in my spam box for some reason, I’ve only just seen it, sorry about that!

    haha you also end up walking out of the toilets like you’ve just appeared in the latest WKD advert.

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