Unwanted attention

Not much has happened with Voodoo Girl from my previous posts.  In fact, apart from making tentative plans to go out last week – which never materialised for some reason – nothing has happened at all.  Even though I got over the hard bit by getting in touch after a criminally long time, unanswered calls and no replies to a couple of  texts mean I just can’t be arsed chasing now.  I haven’t tried contacting her since and neither has she got in touch with me.  So that is that.

Although, as one bites the dust, I seemingly had a few admirers over the weekend.

First off was on Friday night, the bar was a bit crowded and people had to squeeze past each other.  Normally to grab someone’s attention to ask them to just budge out the way a little, I either tap them on the shoulder or tap their waist as I move through, obviously whilst smiling and saying various pleasantries such as:  ‘excuse me’, ‘cheers mate’, ‘ta’, ‘nice one’ etc.

One person, on their way past didn’t try to push me out the way, utter ‘excuse me’ or other such pleasantries.  Instead they patted my arse and had a good ol’ grope of my behind.  Surprised, but also hoping said person was attractive, I turned to have a look to see what she was like.

Surprise very quickly turned to horror when I realised it wasn’t a female.  It was man!

He then held eye contact longer than necessary and nodded at me.  I’ll be honest; I froze and let out a little scream inside.  I’ve had my arse felt before but never by a man!

That should’ve been that.  But nooooooooo, said man decided to almost stalk me around the bar for about the next hour.  I lost count the number of times he took various snake like passages through the crowd to go past me again. It wasn’t just in my mind either; my mates noticed his undivided attention too.

Quite flattering in some way, but I was annoyed when we all walked through to go outside on the terrace thing (so my mates could inhale some cancer into their lungs), he was stood by the door and even though my mates got through unscathed, he managed to half block my path so I had to squeeze past.  At this point my mates obviously found it hilarious!  He must’ve got the hint though because thankfully I didn’t see him again.

Fast forward to Saturday and a different bar, in a different part of town and I was waiting for my mate to come back from the bar.  What happens?  I got chatted up by two lads.

Five minutes earlier I was 80% certain I’d seen one of them give the other a kiss on the cheek.  As I was still waiting for my mate I seen them look over a couple of times and one of them point at me.  Now, I know they could’ve just been being friendly, but lads don’t normally approach other lads for a chat on a Saturday night out in bars do they?  Not in my neck of the woods anyway.  So there I was trying my best to not be unfriendly, but not be too friendly!  They scarpered when he came back, again, much to his amusement.

Then to round it all off, a little while later, my mate was laughing as I came back from the bar.  I asked what he was laughing at:

“You!  The lad over there in fancy dress camouflage gear thing (and he definitely wasn’t lost on some reconnaissance mission for the army), was giving you the eye and checking you out as you walked past!”

What’s going on?!  I’ve never knowingly been given attention from another man before, let alone three times in 24 hours.

Maybe it was the pink fairy wings I was wearing (joke!).

It’s flattering and all, but as I don’t bat for that side, can I have some interest from females next weekend please!

Stalker (Reprise) !

If I don’t write this now, I’m never going to write it.  I’ve been a bit ill the last few weeks (man-flu…not just normal man-flu though, proper confined to bed man flu) so my motivation to write stuff has plummeted. 

Annnnyyywaaay, you know when you get an sudden flash of inspiration?  The light bulb pings above your head and shines as shiny as can be?  Well I had one of them moments, only it wasn’t a bright shiny bulb.  It was a red flashing spinning one with alarm bells ringing all over the place.  

Whilst Good Scribble went missing:  Good Scribble sits back and waits for stuff to happen, plods on and doesn’t make anything happen himself.  Evil Scribble: raises his head once in blue moon and this time made me step outside my comfort zone and took advantage:

Following on from the Stalker post, I sent voodoo girl a message on StalkBook.

I know. 

I. HAVE. NO. SHAME.

Anyway, I’m not sure what it was…maybe it was the charm (ha!), devilish good looks (ha!), the dancing skills of a disabled uncle or the stead fast refusal to feed or water her…whatever it was, she replied, literally straight away, saying how good it was to hear from me (the alarms bells started going off in my head too)!

It was almost as if she had sat in front of Facebook for 10 days solid pressing refresh (I’m joking!)

I’m not sure who’s more unhinged between the two of us yet, there have been very long games of message tennis taking place (a day or two between messages from either of us), but I suspect there will be more blog fodder afoot/my body will be found in a ditch somewhere soon.

Nah I’m being unfairly harsh on her there, she seems ok, I’ll keep you posted!

Crack on…

Bad Snow Thing / Good Snow Thing

Bad Snow Things:

• Listening to the Herculean efforts of people fighting the weather to get into work.  People seem to be ‘snowed in’ on one side of the city and yet on my side all I get is that dirty slush.  I’m yet to see any proper stuff.

Good Snow Things:

• I did a brilliant  power slide coming out of my road this morning, doing about 4mph.  I thought I was Colin McCrae.
• Getting sent home early from work today.  *high five* thanks Mr Snow Maker.

Edit Update:  I take back everything I’ve said about snow.  It’s just turned into Armageddon out there  *plans day off tomorrow*

Getting back into the swing of things

After having two weeks off, it’s not very easy sliding back into the old routine is it?  The last 2 two nights I’ve had less than 2 hours sleep.  Whilst my brain tells me to go to bed, my body clock still says “stay up as long as you want, you’ve got sod all to do tomorrow”.   Not great at 5am when you know the alarm will scream at you in 2 hours time.

I’m not the greatest sleeper in the world anyway (I only ever get 4-6 hours sleep on a good day) so it’s not surprising that it takes me a while to adjust back into some kind of normal sleeping pattern.  It’s just frustrating more than anything else.  Even going back to when I was 13/14 I used to always be awake on the Sunday night after school holidays until ungodly hours.  I’m sure my body will start shutting down by Thursday.

Stalker

Facebook stalking, sponsored by Cynical Scribble:

You know I said I didn’t get voodoo girls number from my last post?  Well, Sunday night boredom kicked in last night and curiosity killed the cat.

After working out how to spell her name I found her on Stalkbook (she has a very unusual first name so it wasn’t too difficult to find her).   Unfortunately she has a limited profile on view to prying eyes, but from her picture she does seem to be better looking than I remember from my drunken haze last week – I’ve even just patted myself on the back for that one!

I am now, however, laughing at myself for being so pathetic (whilst simultaneously congratulating my stalking skills).

In today’s glorious technological age, given it’d be obvious I’d probably had to undertake some kind of Facebook stalking to find her, would the alarm bells starting ringing if I sent her a message?  Especially a week later.  After I didn’t initially get her number.  Or make her tea.  Or toast.  And virtually kicked her out in the morning…even I know that it’s bordering on the insane….isn’t it?  But I’m thinking, I’m single, what have I got to lose apart from my whole life’s worth of dignity, haha!

Or should I just leave it well alone?  What d’ya reckon????

The one including a girl and vomiting

When I go out I never actively go out to try and chat up females.  Ever.  I also know this is the main reason for my longstanding singledom status, but for one reason or another I can just never be arsed. 

Rewind to a few nights ago and I didn’t change my tact much either, but somehow I pulled.  Finally, years of perfecting my ‘I can’t be arsed’ look worked.  Even my bad ‘uncle knobhead, with the movement equivalent of a tree’ dancing in the early hours didn’t put her off.  I was, however, initially more concerned with the whereabouts of the free Sambuca which was being given out by the bar staff (my priorities were in still in working order)!

Long story short however, given it had been “a while”, it wasn’t my greatest moment between the sheets.  I therefore have no shame in announcing to the internets, that I was initially more efficient than a P&Q roll-on/roll-off ferry.  Although I did make amends in due course.   I did!

In hindsight though, given she had come back to mine, my morning after etiquette wasn’t up to scratch.  After a couple of refused requests for tea and toast (tea and toast? Is that the norm nowadays?  In the past I’ve tried to make a break for it as quick as possible – apart from that time someone actually went out to the shop to go and buy bacon so she could make me breakfast *aaahh those were the days, they don’t make ‘em like they used to*) I just always want to avoid the awkward morning thing.  It also seemed she wasn’t in any particular rush to move and was digging in for the day, so I finally manned-up with the classic: “I’m not being rude but I need to go out in about an hour” (I did actually need to go out…just not for another 3 hours).  Who said chivalry was dead eh?  I’m an ol’ romantic at heart!

Neither did we swap numbers with each other.  Would she have given me her number?  Was she waiting for me to ask? Again, in hindsight I probably should’ve asked, as she was actually good looking and my type of girl, but something in the back of my head told me not to ask for her number for some reason.

 

Anyway, fast forward 12 hours later and I’m doing the greatest impression ever seen of that girl from The Exorcist, and I’m projectile vomiting all over my bedroom floor. 

I woke up about 2am and the only thing I literally had time to do, was swing my head off the pillow to ensure I didn’t vomit all over my bed.  I couldn’t even lift myself off my bed, nevermind make it to the toilet.  I’ve since spent two days in bed, slept the most I’ve slept in about 6 months, and still feel like shite.

Possible Theories to the sickness:

• Food Poisoning
• Stomach Bug
• Severe (delayed) allergic to reaction to being in close proximity with a living female

Taking into consideration that I hadn’t vomited for years and that it’d been “a while” since I last pulled.  My many years of medical training can only drive me to one conclusion: that the two events are somehow inexplicably related (maybe some kind of post traumatic stress). 

I’m therefore estimating next intimate relations with a female to be in the year 2015.  This way I won’t be disappointed and hopefully the current distinct whiff of vomit will have left my room by then.

 

PS: Happy New Year and all that malarkey *shakes everyone’s hand*

The Weather

I can’t get excited by the weather in any way, shape or form.  I was oblivious to everything yesterday until I fired up Facebook and Twitter to see millions of “IT’S SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” type messages.

I’m surprised David Attenborough hasn’t yet put one of them sweeping cameras (the ones which are used to record and follow buffalo migration) in our office to capture the moment  something significant happens with the weather (significant can mean anything from it being sunny, drizzle, rain, hail, sleet or snow).  It only takes one person to shout “Look at the weather” and one of the natural wonders of the world will suddenly happen…a stampede to the windows.  Mouths gaping wide and squeals of “Oh my god, have you seen it”?  And that’s just the men.

Me: “Yes, it’s rain. It’s that wet stuff that falls from the sky” / “Yes, it’s that big yellow thing in the sky making it hot” / “Snow?  Yeh, I’ve seen it loads of times”.

Snow gets people excited for some reason; I can’t take to the stuff personally.  Maybe it’s because I once threw a snowball at an ex-girlfriend, but it turned out that she didn’t catch my drift (Wahey…I’m here all week).

Snow just means venturing outdoors becomes a dice with death.  I end up walking to the shop like an old man…taking dead small steps, as if I’m walking across a balancing beam, ensuring I don’t end up arse over tit.

Luckily enough though, for all the “IT’S SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” messages, even from people who live not far from me and in the same city, I looked out the window this morning and there was feck all snow.  Although, yet again, the news headlines this morning already make one nights snow fall turn into Armageddon like conditions.

It’s December, it gets cold, things will ice up and it’s probably going to snow.  Just get on with it.  If you don’t need to urgently travel anywhere, then don’t.  Why does it become headline news…every year?  I feel sorry for the people caught up behind a jack knifed lorries who were stuck in there cars overnight and things like that, but as a country that is prone to cold weather it’s embarrassing that we can’t cope with snow or ice.  Canadians/Americans who get proper snow drifts must piss themselves laughing that we grind to a halt with a couple of inches of snow.

In other news it’s my last day at work today until 4^th Jan. Whoo Hoo.  Productivity today will be zilch.  Who’s brought the Battleships or Connect 4 in?

Teletext

Before the land of internet, this was information at your fingertips. Hours were spent trawling page after page of Ceefax, Oracle/Teletext. Now it’s all but dead after the Teletext signal was switched off yesterday with Ceefax due to follow suit once the Digital switchover is complete in 2012.

I could read a page of text in about 10-20 seconds, and then you’d have to sit there for another minute waiting for the page to turn.  Hours/days of my life wasted in front of teletext.

Back then it was just as addictive as today’s numerous email checks, especially on a Saturday afternoon: “watching teletext” for the latest football scores.  It seems absurd now that I’d sit there, watching a black screen (for an hour and a half) in the hope that when the page next ‘turned’ your team had scored and I could punch the air in triumph (and then you’d have to wait another 5 minutes for the pages to turn again until you found out who’d scored).

For Teletext you needed patience, lots of it, especially during mid-week football matches.  I’d annoy the family and flash up teletext constantly throughout tv shows.  Making them watch the TV through that text ‘mix’ you could do – making the black background transparent and instead, having the text imposed over Coronation Street or whatever TV show they were watching. I was an absolute nuisance of the highest order!

The Paramount Comedy channel had letters/jokes pages, 40 odd pages of them, which I used to sit through and watch at 2am in the morning after finishing a shift in the pub.   It took about an hour (I honestly had nothing better to do).  The highlight of my teletexting life peaked in about 97/98 when I got a joke published on their joke pages.   Actually, this remains the highlight of my life to date.

‘Digitiser’ was on Channel 4 and read daily for all the computer games reviews.  Then there was my old friend Bambler Boozler and Bamboozle who lived at “390” also on Channel 4.  Many hours were spent in front of this absolute frustrating, yet addictive quiz and arguing with my brother about the correct answer; (where getting a question wrong on page 9 – after starting 15 minutes earlier – would mean having to go back to page 1 and starting again) :

“It’s green. Green. Press the green buttooooonnn. GREEEEEEEEEEEEEN you knob”  He presses red and gets it wrong.

“ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!”

…and then the remote would get launched at the wall (that’s why there was sellotape wrapped all over it to keep it together).

Teletext, you may be (almost) gone forever, but you won’t be forgotten.

*solemnly doffs a cap*

Bamber Boozler

“I told you it was wrong”

Talking and texting device upgrade

My monthly phone contract has just ended, therefore I can now upgrade my talking and texting device.  Being a bit of a nerdy gadget geek on these type of things means that now I’m eligible to get one…I want to get a new phone, but I don’t know which one.

Almost every time I’ve been due a phone upgrade something has been available which has jumped out at me and shouted “GET ME”!  This time, there are only 2 phones which appeal to me:

• The sheep like iPhone which, even though it will do everything but  shag me, I really really don’t want one.

• Or the HTC Hero.  However this poses another ‘problem’ as it’s already 6 months old which means it’ll be Sinclair Spectrum like in another couple of months.  Especially with HTC releasing new stuff in a few months.

The inpatient bastard in me doesn’t want to wait though.

What phones do you good people have and would you recommend anything?

Humbug

Christmas should be over by now; judging by the length of time the ‘run up to Christmas’ is taking.  It’s been going on for donkeys years already, I swear it’s starting earlier every year.

“My name is Cynical Scribble and I’m officially fed up with Christmas”

…yet there are still 17 days to go until “The Big Day”.

If its not the jingly jangly sound of Christmas bells ringing out every time you put the television on, step into a shop or turn the radio on, it’s faux Christmas scenes everywhere. 

I’ll concede some ground and say now-ish (8-10th Dec…with 2 weeks to go) is an ok time to start the run up to ‘festivities’, but all this shite started weeks ago.  You can’t escape…every single shop in the world has tinsel hanging up with them flickery fairy lights -  the ones that will cause an epileptic fit to some poor unsuspecting customer. 

Even worse, my fellow office workers have ‘decorated’ our office with that shit thin tinsel stuff.  You know the stuff…the bits that have been in someone’s loft for 10 years with most of the tassels ripped off?  There are one or two decent bits of tinsel which have been put up, the rest are just basically bits of gold/silver string.  The place is starting to resemble a pikeys grotto.

The whole thing just starts too early and I’m all christmased out already.

17 days to go.  Sigh and double sigh.

Cynical Scribble sat at his desk